I'm not that waste of a space kid I use to be. I'm not afraid to stand up for what I believe in, or for myself. I won't deny that I am not even close to perfect; no one human being is. Not even one such as God could be perfect; you can't make everyone happy can you? So why would I even bother attempting to be perfect? "Hate me for who I am rather than love me for who I'm not" is what some famous person said, and I could not agree more. I have always held my family close, yet I have lied to them over and over. I have lied to someone I loved dearly, hoping maybe it would in some sick way, show her how much it hurts to be a pawn in someone else's game. I've been that pawn before, by my own lack of confidence, no doubt. First, it was my mother, the things I've been put through by her, I'll always remember them for how horrible they where. Although when I step back from myself and take a look in to my past I see that she did her job. I have grown to understand the necessity of order, responsibilty, and maturity in a boy who is destined to become a man, and someday have a child of his own. The key thing I have learned from her though, is not those simple things that commen sense usually grants those so gifted with the ability, but the knowledge of how to raise a child in the proper way. By that, I don't mean the way she raised me, but one with love, caring, and understanding that they are nothing but a child and not a slave who must do the chores every day before you are home from work. I want my children to enjoy their childhood years, if only for the simple fact that when they hit a certain age, those actions of children must become the actions of a grownup. The second time I have been hurt was with a girl whom I thought I was in love with. Well, lets just put it this way, I was young and stupid. I called checkmate before I even made the first move. She said she loved me, yet she didn't seem to care for my family. I looked past it thinking maybe she would eventually give in, but oh was I wrong. The arguments we had where horrible, numerous and just plain silly. The third was yet another girl. Soon after leaving the first, I had met her by chance, and the spark between us grew like a forest fire over in California. Soon we where dating and seeing each other every day, but then she moved away for the summer. When I had the chance I would go see her, but it wasn't as often as she would like. Of course this caused her to become mad at me, enough to become jealous of my friends and to cause the first of our soon to be frequent arguments. Although she denies that. This is when the headgames came in to play. I would hear from her at least once a week that she cheated on all of her ex boyfriends and I was afraid I would be the next. Yes, I was afraid. I loved the girl. Do you know what I did? I cheated on her. Flat out; I knew I did it. I wanted to show her what it was like to be cheated on so that she wouldn't put me through the pain. How did I get away with it you ask? I lied. Made up some bullshit story that she bought. Hell, I used that same bullshit story to blame the loss of my job. I don't know why I lied so much in my past. Maybe because I was lied to as a child, maybe not. Anyways, this girl loved me enough to accept this hideous story of mine, although it tore her apart. I don't know if it was because of the things I had done, but when she had moved back for school, she was not the girl I had loved before. She became more needy; of attention, both physically and mentally. I was there for her both ways, but you can only take so much. I missed the way we use to be when we didn't have to try and make each other happy, it just happened that way. So I left her, figuring it was better to have loved and lost then to have never loved at all. This leads up to where I am now, single, and looking for someone who might just may be the key to my happiness. Who knows how that's going to work though, I mean, look at my luck so far. I've tried to date here and there, but to no avail. Oh well, it's just not my time. You know, I think I'll just sit and wait for a change. My whole life I've been hunting for that one person; and guess what? So close. But as they say, close only counts in horseshoes and hand grenades. As I said earlier, I lost my job due to my stupidity. I was unemployed for oh, lets say three months. I never was good at saving money, so I killed off my bank account quickly and began bumming money here and there. I applied for jobs here and there as well (but not as much as I bummed money), and finally luck had it. The place my dad works at hired back all the people they laid off and many didn't come back so I placed an application in. Soon enough I had a phone call, and then an interview. Then came the orientation. The next week, my first day. Today, well today was my fourth day and I haven't been fired yet. It's actually quite the opposite. My first day on the CNC machine I've been trained on I was getting nearly the hourly rate of 60 parts. When I walked in to see where I was stationed today the owner called me over and told me he had heard alot of good about my work. That made me feel good, I'm use to people telling me my work isn't good enough. That's a story for another day though. This is the hardest job I've ever had, but for some reason, I like it the most. The people are great, the pay is amazing (it will be almost fourteen dollars an hour when I'm in the union), and most of all, I can stay busy on one task until it's complete. Getting this job helped me realize one thing; if you don't like your job, it's probably because it's not for you. Go look for something else. In the beginning of this "journal" I had said I was not the waste of space kid I use to be. Let me explain. I have learned from my past; the school of life I like to call it. My mother, the past loves of my life, my past employers, and most importantly my self-awareness and common sense I seem to have found lately have all taught me things. I won't trip so easily like that little boy had. I'll look before I step and think things out. When the times get rough, I won't sit and pout like that child. I'll stand up, take a deep breath and handle the situation the best I can. No longer will other people decide my actions, I am a human being, capable of making my own choices. Nothing will change the way I am, because I am me, and no one else's pawn but my own to sculpt.